asapplepie | day six, locked to england

Critter kept saying roles that can hurt the prey, so...maybe one of those didn't count? This morning he was saying there were two left. So I just thought...poisoner and werewolf...

There's something else Critter said. Holden said maybe I could stop the werewolf, so I asked Critter, and...his answer was really weird. He said I couldn't stop them from converting, but like...in a way that implied there was something else I could stop them from.

Stalker and tracker seem self-explanatory, but alpha is a mystery. Still, why bother having a role at all if it's not something that can help the hunters?

[He tilts his head, his expression showing nothing but a faint curiosity.] Well, that makes it obvious, doesn't it? You should have just said that in the first place, idiot. There's only one thing your role stops people from doing.

You're saying the werewolf can kill somebody?

[just stares at America, completely appalled.]

...yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. The werewolf, who we know can convert someone into a hunter, can also kill someone. Because that sounds like a completely fair role to me and is obviously the logical conclusion anyone would draw.

Oh wait, I'm sorry, did I say anyone? What I meant to say was a complete and utter moron with no braincells whatsoever.

Hehe...I was trying to trick you.

Trick me to do what, think you're an idiot? No need for that, I've already been convinced of that fact for centuries.

It's just that...

[He swallows and his smile fades.]

If Ukyo was the werewolf, you have to admit that makes you look pretty suspicious.

I'm dumb enough to fall for that shady letter, but you?

[He blinks, then lets out a rueful laugh.]

Your faith in my intelligence is touching, but ultimately misguided. Maybe if I were a few centuries younger...but I haven't played games like these in a while. I'm not even an empire anymore. If I'd known about the werewolf role ahead of time, perhaps I could have figured it out, but I couldn't think of a good reason yesterday why a hunter with no reason to think she'd be killed by the scavenger would suddenly request protection.

[He keeps an amused expression on his face, but inside, he's holding his breath. Come on, figure it out, figure it out...

He's done his best to nudge America along the right lines of thinking, but he can't do anything more without risking what would count as betrayal. All he can do now is watch and wait.]

[He frowns.]

The scavenger is exactly why, though. And...

And the whole trial, I was waiting for you to point out the problem. Because whatever the thing with Ukyo was, it's a big deal. But you never pointed it out. And I don't believe you that I'd catch that but you wouldn't. You've been smarter than me every step of the way.

And...the more I think about it, the more the way you asked yesterday was just so weird. Especially since you were so worried about the scavenger, but...it's like you knew you and me wouldn't be killed by the hunters.

[His gaze is even as he stares directly at America, his face impassive, but there's a strange light in his eyes.]

What are you trying to say?

I don't...I don't really know what to do if you turned out to be a hunter.

[His gaze goes to the floor again, his voice getting a little shaky.]

If you...used me. If you claimed my role to get people to trust you and talked me into making decisions that got people killed. If you tricked me into helping you turn somebody else into a hunter when I could have kept Damian safe.

That would...I...you said it was stupid for me to trust you but I don't want it to have been.

It was incredibly stupid and I stand by it.

[He smiles at the rest, but it's melancholy and bittersweet.] I also stand by everything I told you and every decision I made. I would have done the same no matter what alignment I was. You should be protecting yourself every night. And if I wanted to be safe from scrutiny, I would have never said anything in the first place. There's no reason to suspect or investigate someone who doesn't draw attention to themselves, after all.

But if it'll bother you that much, then no. I'm not a hunter.

Edited 2013-05-16 02:32 (UTC)

It's not stupid. It's...it's hard to explain, but I want to be able to tell you things.

Do you promise? Promise that...that if you were a hunter, you'd tell me. I'm going to be upset if you don't promise.

You know I can't promise you that. If Poland couldn't even tell Lithuania, the rules against revealing and the consequences of breaking them have to be enormously strict.

[He nods, exhaling shakily.]

I...I can't tell whether you'd say that normally or not.

I guess you're right, though. I guess I can't trust you.

You can trust me on one thing, and one thing only.

[His eyes meet America's, fierce and determined.] Regardless of what alignment I am, my goal in this game would have always been the same. Winning or losing doesn't matter to me. I'm getting you out of here alive.

[He doesn't say anything about himself.]

Edited 2013-05-16 02:53 (UTC)

[The sudden determination in England's voice takes him by surprise and makes his chest clench. He knows England would never kill him, and he thinks he would never do anything to truly hurt him, but he's been wrong on that before. But the idea that he cares so much about protecting him makes him feel...not happy, actually, not at all, more uncomfortable and confused and sad. Because everything between them is so seemingly insurmountable sometimes, and being reminded of just how much England loves him only makes him feel more regretful and frustrated that things are still hard.

And anyway...he knows the truth now, doesn't he? He came here uncertain, but there's not really much to mistake anymore. He wants to be angry and defensive and he really does mind being tricked and taken advantage of by England, even if it was for his own good, because there is too much history between them for him to ever feel okay about being England's pawn.

But none of that or any of his childish feelings about comic book heroes and nice kids he's only pretending to be the same age as seem very important compared to England. England is...maybe the most important person in his life, in a really obnoxious and annoying way, but the fact that he doesn't know if he wants to have such a strong connection with him doesn't mean he can help having it. Batman being a hunter, being killed is sad, but England losing this game and being gone is just impossible.

He rubs his eyes beneath his glasses, pressing his palms into his eye sockets hard. He's feeling tears well up again, which is just so fucking embarrassing, but he chokes them down and nods, his own expression serious if a little frightened.]

I get it. I trust you on that, and anything besides that doesn't matter.

You...you have to trust me, too, because...because no matter what else, leaving here without you is something I will absolutely not do.

Edited 2013-05-16 03:39 (UTC)

[His breath catches at that. He tries to put on a smile or at least a disgruntled expression, to say not to worry about him or even to swallow his pride long enough to admit that he does trust that America will do whatever it takes to save him, but he can't. America's words hit him like a stab to the chest and he has no response against them.

Because here is the truth of the matter: England knows he will not be getting out of this game alive.

He's been trying to ignore that voice in the back of his head, too focused on winning the game and keeping America safe, but he's known ever since the first day when he saw Bonnie Hood murdered in front of his eyes. He's already drawn far too much attention to himself - if the hound or watcher haven't investigated him yet, they will soon. Maybe if the hunters can win, maybe if Critter keeps his promise to bring everyone back...but that's a lot of maybes and he's never been one for putting too much faith in his allies. He can talk a good game at night about how there's no option but to win, but every move he's made so far has been with the understanding that the hunters will lose and America will survive.

And he's terrified of dying. He'd like to think that he'll face his death with dignity when it comes to that, but his country, his people...everything he's worked so hard for thousands and thousands of years, gone or in the hands of another. Just the thought alone makes him sick to his stomach. He can't stand the idea of it happening, and he can't see any other way for this to end.

He shudders, arm coming up against his face to try and hide his expression. He needs to say something, even if it suddenly feels like his throat's too tight to even breathe.]

...right. We'll both be fine. [One more lie he tells America, one more on top of hundreds, but this one is the biggest.]

[The way England reacts to that is the scariest thing that's happened so far. He wants to think maybe England is just surprised and touched by what he said, or is just being weird. But his heart is racing and there's a nagging voice telling him that England doesn't think he's going to be okay. He doesn't want to listen, he wants to just pretend they will be fine, because it's England.

He tries to smile when he responds, and grabs England's arm in his hand and squeezes.]

Don't worry. The scavenger's gone, so...so it's okay. I can protect you at night and then during the day...Ema and Kirigiri and the countries are the only ones who know we switched. So...you can keep on being the caregiver. We're totally good, guy!

Edited 2013-05-16 04:53 (UTC)

[Part of him wants to pull America into a desperate hug and not let go, but while offering comfort is one thing (and even then not exactly a strength of his), asking for comfort is a different beast entirely. Even with how sick and exhausted and scared he feels, he can't bring himself to do it. Simply leaning into America's hand is already something he's struggling to let himself do.]

I'm not worrying about anything. You're right, we're going to get out of this together.

[Even so...even so, he still grabs America's hand, a desperate look in his eyes.] But if something does happen...I'm not saying it will, but if it does, you have to protect yourself every night, understand? There's no guarantee of what will happen after that.

[His eyes go round and horrified. He squeezes back tightly enough for it to be a good thing his strength is missing, and he shakes his head.]

England, don't.

[Strangely enough, America's reaction just strengthens his resolve. Thinking about his death terrifies him, but it's easier if he can plan for what happens afterwards without actually touching on the subject itself.]

We have to account for every possibility. I don't care if you don't want to hear it, I'm saying it anyway. Don't die. Don't die.

Just...just tell me why you think that might happen. I'll do anything to help you!

[He wants to be calm and collected like England seems to him, but he's never been good at dealing with his own emotions. Facing sad things is against his nature; he'd rather be happy and smiling and not think about anything that could change that.

His chest hurts really badly right now and his throat is choked up. He really just wants to cry and let himself be comforted, but he also wants England to think he's strong and capable so he tries visibly to keep a grip on it before finally burying his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.]

[He reaches over and pulls America against him into a hug - and if he clings a little too tightly, surely it's just from the position and nothing else.]

You can't protect me from executions. I suppose with the other countries, we might be able to form a voting block, but...well. I don't expect anything from them, and I won't ask it of you. Don't make yourself look any more suspicious or give the prey any reason to turn against you, and you're guaranteed to survive this intact.

[He laughs shakily. He's scared, yes, but...gallows humor has almost become something of a habit to him by now, a defense mechanism against what he doesn't want to face. He won't ignore it or put on a sunny outlook like America tries to, but even just acting like he's making light of his own death helps.]

To be honest, I'm shocked I'm still alive at all. If I were a hound, the first thing I'd do would be to check the alignment of anyone claiming a role. Maybe luck just might be on my side after all. [He says it, but he doesn't believe it for a second. If he had any luck whatsoever, he would have never been chosen as a hunter.]

[He sinks into England's hold on him and wraps his arms around his back, holding on tightly. He's past the point of trying not to be upset. He's crying too much to really respond immediately to anything England says, but he seems to be more upset, crying shaky sobs into England's shoulder. When he's calmed down enough to speak, a few seconds later, he doesn't move.]

It's my fault?

No.

[The word comes out as a snarl. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down - he knows he can't stop America from grieving over his death, but he'll damned if he feels guilty of all things when the only thing he's ever done was put too much blind faith into England.]

How many times do I have to tell you to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault before it gets through your thick skull? Any blame that doesn't lie with Critter lies with me. My decisions are my own - you don't get to take responsibility for them. I think...I think my fate has been set in stone ever since I stepped into this cursed place to begin with, at any rate.

You only said you were the caregiver because I was too obvious!

[he pulls away, suddenly furious through his tears.]

You...you have no right to risk your own life for me. And don't pretend that isn't what you did. Knowing you were a hunter...you should have kept your mouth shut and let them think I was suspicious if they had to.

If you think I'm just going to accept you talking like there's a chance I'd let you die...I'll punch you in the face.

Shut up, I did it to save my own skin and you know it.

[And oh, this is dangerous territory for him. He doesn't want to have hope. He doesn't want to give America false hope. It's not that he's given up - he'll still do everything in his power to help the hunters win and keep America safe - but it's easier for him just to expect the worst rather than the best. The only reason he's been able to keep his composure to this extent is because he's already made his peace with dying as well as he's able.

Even so...America's desperation and fierce belief lights a spark in him that he can't put out no matter how much he tries.]

If you punch me in the face, I'll kick you in the shins. Fine - I guess I have no choice but to stay alive for your sake.

[He laughs and smiles through his tears, relieved. It may not make sense, but death just feels impossible for himself or for England, like as long as neither of them accepts it, it can't happen.]

Just don't do anything for me to punch over and you're good!

There's so much that falls into that category, you're going to have to write me a list.

[Even though his chest is still far too tight, even though he still doesn't really believe at all that he'll be getting out alive, England smiles back. For the first time since the game's started, he looks genuinely happy, like an enormous weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

America knows the truth now. He doesn't have to lie anymore. He still has far too many things to atone for and to feel guilty over, but at least this won't be one of them.]

Hehehehe...You suck. I just want to punch your dumb face anyway.

[He's just going to laugh as though that was really funny, because he just feels sort of relieved and overwhelmed, and moments like these are few and far between; he's cheerful a lot of the time, but he rarely gets to feel so happy and cared about with someone else. There are very few people he's actually close to enough to show feelings beyond just the surface emotions, and he knows England is just as bad if not worse about opening up, but here they are.

He doesn't really understand why it makes him feel so happy to see England like this, but it does.]

I'll bite your hand off.

[This is it. This is what he's fighting for. It's cheesy and cliche and terribly sappy and England is embarrassed just for thinking it, but even more than bringing everyone back...he wants America to be able to get out of here with a smile on his face. America, who was loud and thoughtless and obnoxious and optimistic to an extent that England could never be, who never let anything get him down for long, who was the worst possible candidate for this sort of game. He has to win and he has to live, because he can't let America down now.

So that's three goals, then. Get America out. Win. Survive. It's not going to be easy, but he had once been the largest and most powerful empire in the world, and the sun is not going to set until he says so.]

...thanks, by the way.

Haha, what for?

[It's a little surprising England would thank him, but he didn't expect to be having a conversation like this with him anyway.]

day six, locked to england

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